The Idiot Box

We watch entirely too much television. We joke about it all the time, but that doesn't change the fact that we spend too much time suckling the glass teat.

(By we, I mean my wife and I, not the whole of America or anything like that.)

But do we stop? Aw, hell naw.

Here's a list of every show that we watch religiously, i.e., one or both of us is visibly upset if an episode is missed. Keep in mind some of the shows listed go on hiatus from time to time, freeing up valuable minutes for channel-surfing.

Sunday
The Simpsons
Arrested Development
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
The Sopranos
Family Guy (starting May 1)

Monday
Medium

Tuesday
The Amazing Race
The Shield

Thursday
Survivor
CSI

Saturday
The Venture Brothers

"But Vitamin J," you cry. "The shows listed above comprise a mere nine hours of TV viewing spread across an entire week. This puts your household well below the national average of 4.3765988 hours* of television watched per day."

If only. The programs named above are appointment TV. It's not as if the box remains unused on the off nights.

Here's a partial list of the crap one or both of us will sit through when our "main" shows aren't being broadcast. No, I won't provide links for these. Try Google.

Cops
Law & Order
Law & Order: SVU
The Office (British)
King of the Hill
The Life Laundry
Clean Sweep
Charmed
Fear Factor
The Daily Show
Chappelle's Show
Insomniac
King of Queens
The Surreal Life
Crossing Jordan
MadTV
Celebrity Fit Club
What Not to Wear (British)
What Not to Wear (American)
Good Eats

That's hardly a complete list; I just don't feel like poring over TV Guide and plugging any holes. We also use our Insight on Demand feature and watch reruns of The Sopranos, and I'm tempted to acquaint myself with Six Feet Under, to boot. Furthermore, I own the complete runs of Freaks and Geeks, Mr. Show and Strangers With Candy on DVD for even more television goodness.

We watch a lot of fucking TV.

But what compounds things even further is that among our little social circle, each of them has their own favorites that they try to cajole one or both of us into watching. And while I'm tempted to try Lost, Nip/Tuck, Desperate Housewives, Deadwood, Curb Your Enthusiasm, House and every other well-received program I've heard about, the line has to be drawn somewhere (a bold stance, I know).

(In my defense, I tried watching the newest Law & Order spinoff and both CSI offshoots, and they're all shitty in their own special way. I'm not a complete zombie.)

The point? How the hell should I know? While I don't subscribe to the theory that TV rots your brain, it certainly does eat up a large chunk of my precious free time.

*Obviously, I just made this number up.