I'm Lovin' It

When I was 18 years old, I worked at a McDonald's. Oh, how I hated it, but I did manage to have some fun.

Example: When a new cashier was closing the store for the first time, there was a special prank that was always good for a laugh. I present the following in the clean, wholesome spirit of April Fool's Day.

1. Take two or three quarter pound hamburger patties out of the freezer. Put them somewhere in the store where they won't be noticed (a locker in the break room, for instance). Leave them alone for a few hours so they get nice and soft.
2. When the patties are the right consistency, roll them all together into a cylindrical shape. You're going for girth and length. If you do it right, you'll get a "snake" that's between 12-15 inches in length.
3. Being as inconspicuous as possible, cook your prop in the deep fryer. This should take about three minutes or so.
4. Remove from oil; drain. It should look like a big, brown turd.
5. Wait until the store is closed and the manager is in the office counting the drawers. Take the prop into a restroom (your choice) and arrange it in the toilet, preferably with part of it draped over the rim of the bowl.
6. The new cashiers always get stuck with cleaning the restrooms. Wait until she heads in that direction.

Usually, a yelp of disgust will be heard and then the patsy will come running out of the restroom. At that point, you can laugh and explain the trick, but why cut things short? Fortune favors the brave...

If you can keep a straight face, accompany her back to the restroom. "There, there, sweetie. Let's see what the problem is."

Upon arrival, you can play it several different ways. You can purse your lips and say, "Boy, that's disgusting. Unfortunately, you are on bathroom duty..."

Or, you can walk over to the toilet and examine the specimen for a minute or so, then grab it and throw it at the cashier. Some people cry when you execute this maneuver, however.

If you really want to make a lasting impression, however, go the extra mile and prepare a second turd. Keep the extra one safe and clean. When you accompany your victim back to the bathroom, solemnly assure her that you'll take care of the mess and send her out. After a few minutes, walk back up front holding the CLEAN turd. Say something like, "I don't know what all the fuss is about," and then take a bite out of it.

I was never able to go that far, although I did have the second turd all fried up and ready to go. Perhaps someone out there in blog world will pull off this tasteful stunt and succeed where I failed.

Auf Deutsch

Jen has been in Germany since March 18. I knew I would miss her but the things I miss are funny. For instance, she goes to bed much earlier than I do. But since she's not here, I'm staying up way too late -- i.e., when she's home, I end up going to bed between midnight and 1 a.m. Lately, I've been up till (ha ha) 2:30 a.m.

Furthermore, all my friends -- yes, I have more than one -- are split into two camps: Those who think I'm spending all my solo time getting drunk and those who think I'm spending all my solo time watching porn. And even though I am drunk right now and I have "Snatch Masters 4" cued up in the DVD player, I kinda resent the implication that without proper "supervision," my life quickly devolves into binge drinking and chronic masturbation.

I Blame Piven

Cargo magazine is shutting down.

Although the magazine was pretty dreadful, I still feel bad for all the people who have lost their jobs.

Technical Ecstasy

I bought a Mac mini. Why Mac? Why not?

I'm finding the switchover to be relatively painless, except for a few minor hurdles and one major hurdle: our monitor died, so I had to buy a new one. And the new monitor is much nicer than the old one (for starters, it works) but I had hoped to postpone the inevitable purchase for a few more months.

There is one final hurdle to overcome, and that's getting my internet shizzle up and running on the mini. I'm hoping that I can get it as close as possible to the Gateway's e-mail configuration, but seeing as we're on Microsoft Outllook Express, that might not be 100 percent realistic. I suppose I could just say "fuck it" and set up a new e-mail account but why mess with a good thing?

Foreign Affairs

For a politician, Yulia Tymoshenko is pretty damned hot. Heck, just for a regular female-type person, she's pretty damed hot. She's got a Catherine Denueve thing going on. She makes me want to pay more attention to world events.


The Swiss Miss hairdo is cute, too.

Happy Birthday, DMBYSC

The incomparable Death May Be Your Santa Claus is one year old. Whee.

Blast from the Past

Here's an old CD review that turned out well, I think.

YES
90215
(Elektra/Rhino)

Progressive rock superheroes Yes underwent a radical transformation when they regrouped in 1983. Hooking up with wunderkind guitarist Trevor Rabin, Yes largely abandoned the lengthy instrumental passages that made them famous in favor of a more streamlined, radio-friendly approach. The results: 90215, their highest charting album ever, and its accompanying #1 Billboard smash, “Owner of a Lonely Heart.” While Trevor Horn’s totally ‘80s production flourishes haven’t aged well, the underlying songcraft more than compensates on tunes like “Hold On,” “Leave It” and “It Can Happen.” The new, expanded version also features detailed liner notes, remastered sound and six bonus tracks. To the relief of Yes purists, the end of the Reagan years saw the group returning to their art rock roots, but 90215 is a sparkling – if atypical – jewel in their catalog.

Pity Poor Piven

You know how you can like an actor or actress, even though you don’t know them personally? Certain individuals have a weird charisma that makes you enjoy their work, or they exude some quality that you find appealing? Well, I’ve always liked Jeremy Piven -- until recently.

Piven spent much of his career playing schlubby everyman types, hence his appeal. He frequently appeared in movies that starred his buddy John Cusack. He was really good in Ellen. He even provides the voice of the Elongated Man in Cartoon Network’s Justice League. So far, so good. But in the past few weeks, he’s also been profiled in a few publications and the interviews he gives just scream “asshole.”

Frex, as the cover star of the March 2006 edition of the generally useless magazine Cargo, Piven offers his advice on fashion, grooming and suchlike, which is pretty amusing in and of itself, but he waxes so pretentiously that you can’t help but chuckle at the vapid self-absorption he displays.

Plus, he repeats himself, with “If you let them, clothes will dictate how you move through space and how you hold yourself” followed a few grafs later by “…for me, it’s really how she moves through space.”

Moving through space: what a perfectly asinine turn of phrase. I’d like to slap the dogshit out of the Rodeo Drive sales clerk who contributed it to Piven’s vocabulary. You get the impression Piven thinks it makes him sound knowledgeable and sophisticated, but it merely makes him sound like a pompous jackass.

Furthermore, in all the pictures that accompany his interview, he's doing something fruity with his hands. He looks like he's trying to appear natural -- you know, like he's moving through space -- but he just looks stiff.

Also, dig this cover blurb: "Entourage's Jeremy Piven on How to Become the Most Valuable Playa [sic]." Even though he didn't write it, it still makes him sound like a douche.

But it gets better. In LA magazine’s nightlife issue (via Defamer), Mr. Moving Through Space offers up this following gem: “If I have a rapper like Common rolling hard with me at a club and I hand him a mic and he hits five songs in a row and the crowd goes crazy, I don't feel guilty about drinking on the house.”

Rolling hard with me? Oh, is that how you roll, MC White Bread? Jesus Christ, what a name-dropping tool.

And finally, what’s with the hairpiece, Piven? For serious. You’re not fooling anyone.